


I'll Be Good

by RedSpecial



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Civil War, Song fic, prompt, winter soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6884248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSpecial/pseuds/RedSpecial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anon requested some sort of fic to, “I’ll Be Good” by Jaymes Young. As soon as I listened to it a bunch of ideas came into my head, all of them angsty. So here, have an angst ridden trip through Bucky’s life after The Winter Soldier.  (CIVIL WAR SPOILERS INSIDE)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Be Good

_ I thought I saw the devil, this morning _

_ Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue _

_ With the warning to help me see myself clearer _

_ I never meant to start a fire, _

_ I never meant to make you bleed, _

_ I'll be a better man today _

 

Bucky could still taste the rum in his mouth from last night. He’s not sure if he always needed alcohol to deal with his issues or if this was new but he didn’t care. He couldn’t look at himself, not anymore. It’s three months since D.C. Three months free of Hydra. None of it feels real. It all feels like a lie, like some dream from which he’ll wake. Then they’ll pull him back out of cryo, fry his brain, say those damn words, and he’ll be their puppet. There won’t be a damn thing he can do.  

 

At first he was okay, in a way. He was confused and he knew he’d done some terrible things but he didn’t know the details. But now the memories came back in waves. Waves like tsunamis, suddenly everything seems to go away and then with a rush there are the unrelenting horrors. So many faces of people he killed.

 

And the man he almost killed. The man he saw pictures of in the museum. Steve Rogers. There was video in the museum of himself with this Steve. Thinking back on it made him start to heave. The guilt was wrecking him. He could feel it still, every time his metal fist had collided with Steve’s face. Then looking down at Steve and seeing his face bruised and bloodied...but he didn’t fight back. Why didn’t he fight back!?

 

As Bucky stared down at Steve all of a sudden something clicked. He recognized this face, he recognized it like this, bruised and bloody. He didn’t know how he knew it but he did and then all of a sudden this one thing that seemed familiar fell from him. The one thing that didn’t want to hurt him, that refused to, that felt like… Bucky wasn’t sure what the word was but he knew it felt good.

(At end of fic, Bucky knows the word, it’s “home”. Steve feels like home.)

 

_ I'll be good, I'll be good _

_ And I'll love the world, like I should _

_ Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good _

_ For all of the times that I never could. _

 

Six months free of Hydra and Bucky is in Europe. He’s still wandering and isn’t sure where to stop. He hides from everyone, as best as he can. He only talked to those he has to and can’t seem to manage eye contact for more than a second. He spends all his time looking at the ground and hiding in the shadows.

He finally trusts that he isn’t dreaming but he’s still sure Hydra will find him and capture him. He can barely sleep and when he does sleep the nightmares wake him up. Drenched in sweat and shaking he wakes up and has to try to hold himself together. Some nights it seems a little easier but most nights it seems like it never really will.

 

_ My past has tasted bitter for years now, _ _   
_ _ So I wield an iron fist _ _   
_ _ Grace is just weakness _ _   
_ _ Or so I've been told. _ _   
_ _ I've been cold, I've been merciless _ _   
_ _ But the blood on my hands scares me to death _ _   
_ __ Maybe I'm waking up today

 

A year free from Hydra. He hears the reports and sees the news about the Avengers taking out Hydra bases all over the world. On one hand it makes him feel like he can rest a little easier. If Hydra isn’t powerful and secure...then they can’t come for him. But he knows there are snakes everywhere in the world, snakes that will be waiting to poison the world with Hydra’s form of “order” once again.

 

Nothing ever changes.

 

Not even that face he sees all over the TV screen. Captain America. Every time Bucky sees him he’s reminded of that day on the helicarrier. When he was beating in the face of, who he now vaguely remembered was his friend. His stomach twisted when he saw him and his throat burned. The report went into some detail about what the Avengers had done. There was some video even. Bucky saw Steve get shot and he shot up straight with his eyes glued to the screen. His heart was racing in his throat as he watched Steve slowly get up and continue fighting.

 

Bucky had to give the guy credit, he was a fighter. Always had been.  _ Wait, had he? _ Bucky thought to himself.  _ Yes, yes I remember that. _ He pulled out his notebook and wrote down a memory quickly. He remembered checking down alleys to see if his friend was having his ass handed to him. He often was and Bucky would always come to his aid.

 

Bucky clenched his hand over his chest. It was like this sometimes, one vague memory and then the tsunami would start but Bucky couldn’t write fast enough. That and it was often so overwhelming he couldn’t write until the waves passed and then he just had to write down what pieces remained.

 

_ I'll be good, I'll be good _ _   
_ __ And I'll love the world, like I should   
  


 

Bucky had allowed himself to be arrested. Steve had shown up to keep him from getting killed. When he’d seen Steve he felt like he was being torn in half. Half of him wanted to run, because he knew this couldn’t be good and he knew he was dangerous. The other half...the other half had wanted to walk up to Steve and hug him. But he couldn’t do that...not with all this blood on his hands.

 

All he wanted was to rest. But now he had to talk to this shrink. Then the power went out and Bucky suddenly realized it was time to get back to his regularly scheduled nightmare.

 

“No.” Bucky begged, to no avail as the man continued down the list of words.

 

“Stop.” He said, leaning his head back, trying to block out the words that would turn him into a monster.

 

_ I'll be good, I'll be good _ _   
_ _ I'll be good, I'll be good _

 

He couldn’t let this happen. No, he worked too hard to stay safe from this. Too fucking hard. He beat on the glass with all of his might. He tried not to listen, his main focus being escape. He had to get free, he had to stop this from happening.

 

As Bucky finally broke free the last word was said and there was no Bucky anymore. The man who stood up was the Winter Soldier.

 

“Ready to comply.”

  
_ For all of the light that I shut out _ _   
_ _ For all of the innocent things that I've doubt _ _   
_ _ For all of the bruises that I've caused and the tears _ _   
_ _ For all of the things that I've done all these years _ _   
_ _ Yeah, for all of the sparks that I've stomped out _ _   
_ __ For all of the perfect things that I doubt

 

“What’s going to happen to your friends?”

 

“Whatever it is...I’ll deal with it.”

 

“I don’t know if I’m worth all of this, Steve.”  _ I know I’m not worth this. Doesn’t he know what I’ve done? _

 

“Those things you did, all those years, that wasn’t you. You didn’t have a choice.” Steve says, trying to be reassuring.

 

“I know...but I did it.” Bucky struggles to keep his voice level. He tries to keep the pain out of his voice. He doesn’t think he’s worth this. He keeps going for Steve because...he knows Steve deserves that. But he isn’t sure for how much longer he can do this. Steve deserved better than this, better than him.

 

_ I'll be good, I'll be good _ _   
_ _ And I'll love the world, like I should _ _   
_ _ Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good _ _   
_ _ For all of the times I never could. _ __   
  


The video played and Bucky’s stomach filled with dread. But he also filled with resignation. He knew what Stark was about to see. He knew what Steve was about to see. They were about to see the Winter Soldier. The man he was for decades.

 

He remembers seeing Howard’s face. If Howard hadn’t spoken Bucky wouldn’t have hesitated before punching him. But as soon as he heard his own name, not that he knew it was his name, he needed a second to process. But it didn’t matter, the part of Bucky that was screaming for the nightmare to end couldn’t take control, he never could.

 

“Did you know?” He hears Tony ask Steve. He can hear the quiet rage in Tony’s voice. He knows how this will end, like it always does.

 

  
_ Ooh oh oh _ _   
_ _ Ooh oh oh _ _   
_ __ For all of the times I never could.

 

How was it that looking at this cryogenic chamber filled him with such peace? God, the idea of being where he couldn’t hurt anyone or cause trouble was a relief. Steve had tried to talk him out of it. Steve insisted they could look for ways to deprogram him but Bucky...frankly Bucky was tired. He wanted to rest.

 

Steve had checked on him one last time before Bucky was going to enter the chamber. Bucky was relieved when Steve didn’t try to talk him out of it again. He looked up at him and suddenly was hit with a feeling he’d only had a glimpse of once in the past decades. Only once, back in D.C. in that flicker where he remembered something about Steve. He finally knew what the feeling was that he had when he saw Steve. 

 

Beyond the guilt, the pain, and the horror...there was a feeling of...

  
Home.


End file.
